Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A vulture boards a small airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two kayakers on a Minnesota lake were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." Patient: "Is it common?" Doc: "It's not unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." Dolly: "I don't believe you." Daisy: "It's true, no bull."
The other day I bet the butcher 50 bucks he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said "No, the steaks are too high."
Did you hear about the FileMaker developer who worked inside a vending machine?
He was indispensable.
George Carlin's wife died early in 2008 and George followed her, dying in July 2008.
It is ironic George Carlin - comedian of the '70s and '80s - could write something so very eloquent and so very appropriate.
An observation by George Carlin:
SOMETHING TO PONDER
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways but narrower viewpoints. We spend more but have less, we buy more but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge but less judgment, more experts yet more problems, more medicine but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom but not our prejudice. We write more but learn less. We plan more but accomplish less. We've learned to rush but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
Remember to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember to say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember to say 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
And always remember, life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by those moments that take our breath away.
-- George Carlin