PUNS...

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

A lot of money is tainted--It taint yours, and it taint mine.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

In democracy every vote counts. In feudalism every count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

QUIPS...

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film (or RAM).

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who live by the gun.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?