Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation (n.) Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Karmageddon (n.) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Giraffiti (n.) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm (n.) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Politics (n.) Based on word roots "poly" as in many, and "ticks" as in blood-sucking parasites.

Inoculatte (v.) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Coffee (n.) The person upon whom one coughs.

Decafalon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Perkatory (n.) The anguished, prolonged period spend waiting for a fresh pot of coffee to be ready.

Glibido (n.) All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Hipatitis (n.) Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis (n.) A degenerate's disease.

Ignoranus (n.) A person who's both stupid and an @$$hole.

Flabbergasted (adj.) Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

Abdicate (v.) To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Negligent (adj.) Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

Foreploy Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Lymph (v.) To walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.) Olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.) A rapidly receding hairline.

Pokemon (n.) A Rastafarian proctologist.

Oyster (n.) A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism (n.) The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Job Descriptions:

Banker someone who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Auditor someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Expert Ex: a has been; Spurt: a drip under pressure.

Economist an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Statistician someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Actuary someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Programmer someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Mathematician a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

Topologist someone who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

Lawyer someone who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

Psychologist if male, a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

Professor someone who talks in someone else's sleep.

Consultant someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

Diplomat someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.